2009 was a really rough year. I know it was for many people for many different reasons. I feel as if I shouldn't complain because I do have it so much better than so many. And for that I am grateful. But I have some baggage to work through and this is my blog dang it and my therapy. So, here goes...The entry below was written back in August 2009. I think it will help me to see and read this again and have it "out there." It may help you understand me and where I am was, a bit better. If you don't like it I'm sorry, it's just me.
August 2009
Feeling left out. Feeling like something is missing. Feeling forgotten. Feeling like I am going to be walking into something that is just going to explode and it's going to be "my fault." Feeling like I am the one that always "starts shit." Be it as it may, I grew up in a slightly confrontational house. I am the oldest, the only girl and the "protector" to my younger siblings and my mother. So I guess, "shit starting" comes natural to me. (Not a good trait to brag about.)
August 2009
Feeling left out. Feeling like something is missing. Feeling forgotten. Feeling like I am going to be walking into something that is just going to explode and it's going to be "my fault." Feeling like I am the one that always "starts shit." Be it as it may, I grew up in a slightly confrontational house. I am the oldest, the only girl and the "protector" to my younger siblings and my mother. So I guess, "shit starting" comes natural to me. (Not a good trait to brag about.)
Shouldn't feel like this because I've been blessed with so much. My gut tells me something is just not right. How can some people just forget about all of the hurt that they have caused. I am expected to just move on because they are better. Because I love them, that should be enough. Well, it's not. Sometimes I need to be acknowledged, appreciated and thanked.
I have unconditional love, for my children and my husband. I will always love them no matter what. I may not like what they are doing but I will always love them. Those are the only people that I truly have to forgive and let go.
I love my parents, my brothers and friends but they can still screw up (like me) hurt people with their words, actions and inaction's and they still need to own up to what they did to hurt others and apologize. I will always be there for those I love, but occasionally I need to hear an apology. Knowing that you own up to the hurt you may have caused others, the anguish that you may have put them through worrying about you helps us heal too.
I am strong. I do things that people are amazed at. I have had wonderful, creative, fun, jobs and done things many people only dream of. But I am still human, and I hurt too. It hurts to be forgotten.
It may not be specific to a single incident but acknowledging that you may have said or done things that really hurt someone else, and owning up to it really helps to mend fences and heal.
Your healing may have all ready begun but others feel left out, forgotten, and hurt.
Some people don't like "dirty laundry" but life is not easy and sometimes you just can't keep it to yourself, when it hurts. Why pretend that everything is okay when it is eating you up inside? Get the hurt out, work on it even though it's really difficult, move on. I don't want to have to negatively anticipate occasions. I don't want to guard my words at every turn and hide behind someone that I am not.
Not that anyone really reads this anyway. So we're probably okay ignoring the real issue for awhile longer.
2 comments:
This is a great post - heartfelt. Thanks for sharing it. I understand your feelings. :)
Sometimes the writing process is just the catharsis you need before you work up the courage to lay it on the line and tell that someone-that-has caused-the-pain that they've hurt you. Or, it is the catharsis to move on without ever saying anything.
I've played it both ways in my bloggy writing and they both end up making me feel better.
((hug)) I hope you are feeling better, too.
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