Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Running into the new year...towards what?

Running....towards what? Away from what? I never really like running. I played soccer for many years but never really like the running part. I didn't have enough confidence in my own abilities, even then. But I needed to be a part of a team, something bigger than myself.

When I was presented with the opportunity to join Team in Training in the spring of 2007 I didn't know what kind of a gift I was being given. I signed up to fund raise for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and run the Nike Women's Marathon in San Fransisco in October. The experience was so amazing that I did it again the following year as a mentor. I loved it. I love the people that I met and friends I have made.

I missed it desperately last summer, not having it. With our life changes, (hub's job and moving) I just couldn't commit to more than my family. And that was hard enough. I'm tyring to get involved with my local group but local is a crazy world when you live in "Chicagoland." So I am toying with the idea of getting with the Madison group again. Or maybe, God forbid doing it on my own. Signing up for an event on my own would be a new step for me in running arena. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet.

Thinking about doing an event just for myself may mean that I am ready to start healing some of the hurt and working through some of the many issues that I have. That is almost scarier than running. My husband called me "The Over Steeped Bitter Knitter" yesterday. I know the over steeped part. I am notorious for letting tea sit WAY too long and I knit, a lot. The bitter part is what I need to figure out and change I think. It's pretty bad when my husband jokes about me being bitter. What is he tyring to say? Just spit it out all ready damn it!

When I think about that I think I may start an new blog. One where no one knows who I am. So I can really pour my heart out, at least on my screen. I don't think I want family and friends to "know" all of my issues, especially as I try to work them out. That is one of the beauties of the web isn't it, anonymity?

Some words from Kristen Armstrong's blog over at Runner's World is helping to put me into focus.

"I need to spend some time thinking about the things I want to leave behind so I can tread lightly this year, as well as the things I want to run towards. I want to leave behind things like any form of lingering guilt, any resentments, any relationships that weigh me down, any worries that hold me back, any old definitions of myself that I've outgrown, any fears that limit my views...And I want to run ahead, into beautiful things like freedom, friendship, contentment, joy, love and understanding...Things I am shedding, the dreams that I want to breathe into life when I am brave enough to say them out loud."

So with running, I am starting all over again. And that is okay. I will say in this crazy "web" world that I have completed the first week of the Couch to 5K program and am feeling good. I would like to sign up for the Madison Shamrock Shuffle on March 14. Seems like of crazy to drive 2 hours to run 3.1 miles but that's what I'm looking at. The official Shamrock Shuffle in Chicago is on March 21 but that's an 8k and I don't want to push another couple of miles too soon. I think I want to try to like this running thing.

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